Burnt out. Apathetic. Drained. Despite my initial excitement and zeal in my coursework, substitute teaching, and coaching experiences after graduation, these were the feelings circling in my gut as the months wore on throughout 2016.
After my undergraduate graduation, I returned home and was enrolled in two math courses at a local private college that would count towards my math degree. I was also an assistant coach for the girls varsity basketball team and an assistant coach for the varsity softball team in the spring. I became certified to be a substitute teacher and substitute taught on the days that I didn’t have class. I had support from all directions and could see my future as a teacher and a coach. Did I love substitute teaching? No. But that felt pretty normal given the lack of rapport you have with the class as a substitute. So I chalked it up to good experience and lessons learned until I could be a full-time teacher.
Near the end of spring, the position of Head Varsity Field Hockey Coach opened up, and I applied for the job feeling pretty confident in my chances of earning it given my coaching experience during breaks with the team over the last few years. After all interviews had been completed, I was brought in for the decision; I was informed that although I interviewed very well, they did not feel that it was the right time for me to take on the job and that I should focus on my schooling. They offered to have me continue on as an assistant coach in the program. I was crushed after this experience. I ultimately declined the offer and decided to focus on school and other areas of career opportunity. However, I wasn’t going to let adversity drag me down completely, so I carried on coaching my other sports, focusing on my school work, and substitute teaching. However, I later realized this was Pivotal Moment #1 and that I’d later be grateful for this moment.
During the summer of 2016, I was assistant coaching basketball and a bit of softball. While I enjoyed coaching and had a passion for high school athletics, I felt myself getting burnt out by mid-summer. I was missing out on a lot of the normal summer activities of a 22-year-old. Again, I decided not to worry about this. Once I was more settled this would be less of an issue and getting tired after being immersed in so many commitments was normal.
While I was enrolled in the Masters in Teaching program beginning August 2016, I was also enrolled in one last math course to finish the math degree. While I was sitting with my Geometry professor for office hours, I had Pivotal Moment #2. As we were discussing some questions that I had, he had informed me how high I had been scoring in his classes the past couple semesters; he proceeded to ask me if I would be interested in attending a program abroad in the Middle East given my performance. We didn’t discuss at length, but he did show me the pamphlet and mentioned he wanted to bring it to my attention given my potential. Although it may seem insignificant, this was an immediately game changing moment for me. Somehow, this had made a puzzle piece in my head snap into place.
I finally admitted to myself that I did not love what I was doing, that coaching was very different from school teaching, and that I feared I would be bored shortly after beginning my career. I simply wanted more variety in content rather than variety in people, and this experience made this realization click for me. Now before a riotous mob takes this the wrong way, let me be the first to say that I think what teachers at any level do is incredibly difficult and underappreciated, especially since the pandemic. I think they are not given nearly enough credit or compensation for the time, energy, and emotion that they have to put in. I just knew that what was entailed in that career was not for me personally. So I went home immediately after this meeting and told my parents I no longer wanted to be a teacher. This again came as a shock since I throw myself whole-heartedly into everything I do, but they were again supportive. This moment was my first experience of trusting my gut and moving forward with what sat well with my soul with fairly minimal empirical evidence. I’ve since learned the importance of leaning into these feelings.
I unenrolled from my Master’s program and Geometry course since I’d no longer be needing those so that I could focus my time on what I wanted to do with my life going forward. Additionally, I had to submit my resignation to both head coaches that I was working with. To go through this gauntlet of quitting school and submitting resignations within a week was difficult; however, that was just the beginning. What followed were several months of having a hard time getting myself going, not knowing where to start given I didn’t have an academic system surrounding me anymore, and general sense of purposelessness as it related to my vocation.
Despite the challenge that 2016 was for me, I learned various lessons that I’d carry with me through life:
- Trust your gut. I didn’t have a lot of justification for pivoting off the teaching path besides the two moments I mentioned above. These moments just finally led me to admit that my path was not sitting well with me and that I should lean into my gut feeling.
- Embrace adversity. While I had my heart set on the head field hockey coach job, the rejection ultimately led me down a path that made me much happier.
- Learn from the small moments. Office hours with a professor is not typically a groundbreaking experience; however, being present in the moment can allow you to better tune into yourself and gain invaluable insights.
Have you ever had an experience where you felt drained with your daily activities but kept pressing forward only to have a random experience illuminate why you’d been feeling the way you were feeling?
Disclaimer: This blog should not be construed as providing, or intending to provide, professional financial, legal, psychological, or other professional advice. It is simply meant to share my experiences for those that may find them relatable and helpful.