As I became more adept at my new role, settled into the company, and gained confidence in my abilities, I was soon afforded more responsibility. Subsequent to the filing of that year’s annual stress testing report on results, I began to transition to a new team within corporate finance. Perhaps most notably, however, I was given the opportunity to be a pseudo-manager to a new hire that would be helping with stress testing governance as well as some other assignments. While I wouldn’t be her official manager, I would be helping to manage her day-to-day activities.
Enthused by the opportunity, I jumped passionately into my new capacity. I met with the new hire regularly, reviewed various versions of her drafts of output, and provided feedback on her communication style. In my mind, I was helping her to learn and grow by providing frequent feedback and touchpoints. Furthermore, I had been conditioned to extremely high standards, bordering on perfectionism. I felt that her work was a reflection on me and that I had to ensure all of her output was just as I would have mine.
Now if this sounds like micromanaging to you, it’s because it was indeed micromanaging. While I’m not proud to admit this, I am humble enough to confess my mistakes for the greater good. While my intentions of success for both myself and the new hire were pure and good natured, my inadvertent micromanaging was damaging her morale and diminishing my reputation in the process. In an attempt to help both of us to grow and gain exposure, I had achieved just the opposite.
Shortly after things had deteriorated in my debut as pseudo-managing, both Gladys and my new manager had conversations with me trying to explain why what I was doing was counterproductive and provided me with coaching to become a better manager. By that time, too big of a hole had been dug and my inexperience had shone through past the point of repair. My opportunity at my first pseudo-managing role had been revoked.
While in hindsight I understand the actions that had been taken, this dose of reality and feedback was extremely hard to swallow. My confidence was shaken, and I wondered if I would ever be an adequate manager, much less be able to manage to the level of those I aspired to emulate. There was an incoherence between my perfectionism/hyper-achievement and the situation that had just occurred which began to eat me alive.
Spoiler alert: After gaining more experience, putting in the effort to show I had learned from my mistakes, and imbibing and practicing the constructive criticism I had received, I was again given the opportunity to become a manager of an individual just over a year later. While the lessons learned from the first experience were always top of mind at first, as I grew into the role, I was able to more naturally integrate practices that would allow our new analyst the space to learn and grow but also provide him guidance in more subtle ways and provide support whenever needed.
While I still to this day don’t claim to be an exceptional manager, I’ve been able to use all my experiences to better hone my skills. My biggest lessons learned from this experience were:
- Perfectionism and hyper-achievement cannot be allowed to become how you primarily self-identify. I had allowed this to become so ingrained in my identity for such a long time, which worked because I had generally accomplished being a high achiever in whatever I did. This, however, led to this first significant “failure” to knock me down very hard. It was very difficult to pull myself out of the rut I was in. This was the first time I had to teach myself to move on from my perfectionism, pull myself back together, and carry on. While I have been able to continue to teach myself this and work to overcome perfectionism and hyper-achievement in various scenarios, this is still something I struggle with and my coach Rasa DiSalvo is helping immensely with various tactics to overcome this on a more consistent basis. While I participate in her Mastermind, I’m excited to collaborate with her to share that she also offers free workshops and 1:1 coaching for anyone that might be feeling the same as me.
- While I initially questioned whether I would ever be able to become a competent manager, I learned that these bumps in the road are ultimately part of the maturation process. One setback, whether that’s in managing, a technical output, or giving a presentation, does not destine you to always be substandard at that particular aspect of your career, or life in general for that matter. The setback can ultimately become a point of leverage to propel you forward even more quickly into your next chapter, so long as you’re willing to harness the feedback you receive as a learning experience.
- Yes, the performance of your direct report(s) and team is a reflection of you as a manager; however, that does not mean that you need to control every aspect of how they execute their roles. Allowing them to learn to swim but still providing them with a lifesaver when needed strikes a balance that provides them the chance to develop their own style and learn while also affording you the time and space to take on more responsibility. You also may learn something from them by giving them the space to create and think differently.
Have you ever had an experience that felt discouraging in the moment that ultimately ended up being a constructive circumstance for you?
Disclaimer: This blog should not be construed as providing, or intending to provide, professional financial, legal, psychological, or other professional advice. It is simply meant to share my experiences for those that may find them relatable and helpful.